


Finding My Purpose

by Sourpatchkid131



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Eventual Relationships, Eventual Smut, F/M, Hot Sex, Minor Violence, Sex, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-09 10:03:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8886715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sourpatchkid131/pseuds/Sourpatchkid131
Summary: After a series of unfortunate events I find myself in the service of Negan. While all I want is a way out at first, I soon find myself working to stay and make a life for myself while trying to navigate this undeniable attraction to the ruthless bat wielding leader.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trying my hand at this... Let me know what you all think. I'm defiantly open to critics, suggestions, storylines or compliments. TIA

Well shit… This was not part of the plan today. Here I was just walking along, minding my own business, when these fools come running out of the woods, screaming and shouting, bringing a whole herd of walkers with them. It’s a mystery to me, as to how they have survived this long. Everyone knows you should be quiet so you don’t attract attention. So now, here I am, locked in a gas station along Route 40, with three idiot strangers. The same gas station I just left 5 minutes ago, which is why didn’t hear them coming in the first place.  
“Ha! I told you we’d get lucky Scott!” The shorter man with dark hair shouts to his friend who is leaning over with his hands on his knees panting. “You didn’t think we’d find somewhere to hide this time but we always do!” He turns and looks for a high five from his friend but doesn’t receive one. His dark hair is buzzed short and he has dark brown eyes that are too close together. He looks to be about 25 or so. They are both breathing heavily from the sprint they just made.  
“Yeah lucky is right, do you see how many are out there Ken? It’s got to be close to 50.” Scott sneers back. He doesn’t seem as pleased about the current situation as his friend, Ken. He seems to be about 18 or 19, he has orange hair and freckles, which probably makes him look younger than he really is. I don’t care how old they are, we aren’t going to live another day if they don’t shut the hell up.

“Shhh!” I glare at them, they seem to turn and notice me at the same time. They clearly forgot I ran in here ahead of them. “Shut it! Get out of sight and stay quiet, they need to forget we are here or they won’t move on.” I say in a harsh whisper, as I move to stand behind a shelf that blocks my view of the big glass windows that line the front of the store. They both stare at me like I have two heads. Maybe they are in fact stupid.  
“and who died and made you queen?” the shorter man asks, taking two steps toward me. It’s meant to be an intimidating move but I stand my ground. I’ve been holding my ray ban sunglasses since the run so I didn’t loose them. I set them on the shelf next to me so my hands are free.  
“The 50 or so people outside who want to eat us” I reply as I slowly reach for my throwing knives that are on the back of my belt. “All you guys are doing is making them try harder to get at us and that glass won’t last long if they keep it up. It was just a friendly suggestion.” I say with a shrug, as I pull one of my knives slightly out of it's sheath. Hopefully they will leave me alone and take my advice. I have no problem defending myself and killing them both, but I prefer to not kill the living. We have enough problems without fighting each other.  
“Come on Ken, let's see if there are any supplies or food while we wait them out” The red haired kid says, clearly, he is trying to defuse the situation. Idiot Ken scoffs at me and gives me a once over that makes me feel dirty, before turning and walking to the back with Red. I guess I’m not worth it, whatever. I let out an annoyed sigh that blows some of my blonde bangs out of my eyes. They’ve been growing but they still fall out of my braid after a lot of activity, like sprinting for my life. I grab my glasses off the shelf and tuck them into the side pocket of my backpack. 

I take the next few hours to search around again, staying clear of the two guys inside. Maybe I missed something before but not likely. As luck would have it I find a set of shoelaces which I’ve been needing for a while. My black boots have the laces tied together in three places. These boots were slightly warn before the world went bad, now after wearing them almost nonstop for a year, I’m surprised they don’t have holes in them. They are comfortable and easy enough to run in, so hopefully with new laces I can make them last.  
Along with the laces I find two lighters to add to the first aid cream, gauze and batteries I found earlier. I’ve been really hoping to find chapstick. Its my one weakness. I cannot stand chapped lips, they drive me crazy, and being outside constantly in the sun and wind, not to mention often short on water, your lips tend to dry out and I ran out last week. There isn’t much in the way of food or water but I find an old bag of trail mix and a vitamin water that had been knocked under the counter. For the most part the two idiots stay quiet. I make sure to stay very aware of them, I don’t want any funny business. I’m capable of defending myself but I’d rather just be left alone and leave this store at the first chance.  
When the dead moans start to get a bit quieter I peer through the shelf and notice there are only about 10-12 walkers left outside. I could probably kill enough to get out but then I’d have the rest trailing me. I could suggest the three of us head out together and clear the store front but I don’t trust them to watch my back and not leave me for dead or use me as a distraction. As I’m going through the options in my head I see two trucks pull up, a pick up and a larger box truck. Men jump out and start yelling, then I can hear sounds of a scuffle. Clearly whoever showed up is taking care of the problem at the front of the store. Maybe I can head out the back and not have to deal with anyone else today. The store is maybe 25 yards from the woods, if I’m quick and quiet I can make it without being seen. I haven’t had many good encounters with the living and I’d rather not stick around to see if this time will be the same.  
I crouch and move between the shelves toward the back. I hurry past dumb and dumber, they watch me but say nothing. I hope no one is out back and that there are no dead there. When I checked earlier there were quite a few walkers between here and the woods. I open the back door just a few inches to peak out. I don’t see anyone, living or dead, so I open the door wider and get ready to bolt when two rotting corpses appear from behind the dumpster to my right. I grab the knife from my hip and head for them, if I’m quick I can put them down and move on. As I slam the blade into the first ones skull, I hear the two guys come out the back door.  
“Leave her, Let’s move Scott, head for the trees.” The shorter one hisses  
By now I’ve put down both walkers and turn to see that six more are coming from the tree line toward all of the noise the men out front are making. They aren’t using guns thankfully but they are shouting and the rest of the herd can’t have scattered very far. Has no one any self-preservation anymore?!  
Ken and Scott each take on one of the dead trying to clear a path, one with a crowbar and the other has what looks like a hammer. I take two of my six throwing knives off the back of my belt and send them toward the two closest walkers. I sink both of my four inch blades into their heads. Its a skill I perfected a while ago but still it’s a small victory every time. I run toward the bodies to retrieve my knives while Ken starts yelling at Scott to hurry up. I throw three more of my knives at oncoming walkers but the shouting from dumbass has drawn not only more walkers from the tree line, but the living men from the front of the store.  
Damn it, guess there is no sense in trying to hide now. I keep sending my knives flying through the air and retrieve them quickly, trying to move closer to the trees as I go. Unfortunately a young kid, maybe sixteen or so, seems to have gotten in over his head, two walkers come at him and he looks terrified, he isn’t moving to kill them. Shit, I can’t just leave him. I head back toward him sending one more knife off to my left before throwing two into the walkers that advance on him. They drop and he looks stunned.  
“Are you okay?” I try to pull him back to reality. He just stares at the two dead walkers at his feet  
“Uh.. you uh.. yeah, yup I’m good” he blinks rapidly trying to focus.  
I bend and yank my two knives out and wipe them on a rag on my hip before putting them back in their sheaths.  
I realize that its suddenly much quieter than before, as I turn I count that there are 11 people behind the building with us now- 8 of them are slowly forming a circle around dumb and dumber, while talking with them. The other three head toward me and the kid, two men and a woman. She looks to be Hispanic, Puerto Rican maybe and the men are both in their 30’s. I put my hands behind my back and touch the handles of two of my knives. I could drop them all quickly if I had too but there is no way id be able to retrieve my knives and get away before the other men got to me. Even if I left the knives I probably couldn’t out run them. I’m still 15 yards from the woods and I notice they all have a gun of some sort.  
“hey there, you’re pretty good with them knives honey” the man on the right motions with a nod to my hands being behind my back. He’s not an idiot and knows what I’m doing. He has on a black ball cap tattered t shirt and jeans. I don’t reply, I’m waiting to see what they are going to do.  
“I’m Derek, this is Ros” he nods to the woman next to him “and that’s Paul.” Derek looks maybe 30 with brown curls coming out under his hat, Ros is maybe a year or two older than me and about five inches taller, although I’m only 5”1’ so everyone is taller than me. Paul is a mouth breather with brown hair that’s stuck to his forehead with sweat and looks like he could stand to loose a pound or twenty “Would you like to tell us your name?”  
I stare at them for a moment- I can see behind them the other men have closed the circle around dumb and dumber and have their guns drawn. Everyone is shouting but I can’t make out what is being said.  
“I’d rather not, I’ll just be on my way” I take a few steps back knowing they won’t let me just leave but I have to try.  
“Now now, let’s not be so hasty sweetheart, you just saved young Brian here and we would like to thank you, maybe help you out, bring you somewhere safe”  
I suppress the urge to roll my eyes.’ Honey’ ‘sweetheart’ ugh give me a break.  
“I’m fine really” I keep moving back toward the trees slowly, if I can get a little closer I can turn and make a run for it. Hopefully they won’t just start shooting wildly at me. All three of them keep moving forward. Behind them, dumb and dumber are now kneeling, relieved of their weapons while 5 of the men move towards us. Shit, this is just not my day.  
“What kind of man would I be if I didn’t help a lady out” He smiles but it’s not welcoming. Its now that I notice this is not even all the men from the front of the store, all of a sudden I can hear more voices. When I turn to glace toward the front of the gas station young brian, who I just saved, lunges toward me and grabs my arm, while Paul moves to help him, I still have my free hand on my knife handle, I pull it free and send it into Pauls head. He’s dead before he even hits the dirt.  
“Fucking bitch!” Ros yells and draws her handgun, Brian still has my left arm and is trying to restrain me, I reach up and punch him as hard as I can in the throat. I could have hit him in the face but it would have done serious damage to my hand, probably more damage to me than to him. He gasps and grabs for his neck releasing me just as Derek tackles me to the ground. I land on my stomach under him and he tries to pin my hands behind my back but its hard with my backpack on. I yank my arm free and connect my elbow with his nose and hear a satisfying crunch. Its defiantly broken. I’m able to wiggle loose and I flip onto my back. I kick him as hard as I can in the nuts. He grabs his crotch and rolls off me to his side and lays there moaning. Brian is now on his knees still holding his throat as he tries to breathe. The other 5 guys are sprinting towards us now and closing fast. I make to jump up and run for it when I hear a gun cock and look up to see the Ros with her gun not 2 inches from my face. Fuck.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave your comments! Let me know what you think. We're getting to the gritty stuff soon :)

Im on my knees next to dumb and dumber. The dark haired guy, Ken, looks pissed off but the younger kid looks nervous. The right side of my face is throbbing. I can feel a small trickle of blood move down my cheek. After I had a gun in my face I stopped fighting but Ros decided to pistol whip me anyway.  
“Well well well, what a fucking situation we have here”  
A very tall, dark and handsome someone is coming around the side of the building, holding a baseball bat dripping in blood and what looks like entrails from one of the dead. He has a salt and pepper beard growing in and wears a big grin like this is the best thing that’s happened to him all day.  
“Now I believe that you have…” He stops and looks at the people behind me “What the fuck happened to you assholes?” He looks around quickly and notices his dead guy on the ground a few yards away. “And who the fuck killed Pudgy Paul?!” He is looking right at Ken, clearly expecting it to have been him.  
“It was this bitch” Ros says as she shoves me in the back.  
“Well now, this is a surprise… You did this all by yourself; killed Paul, incapacitated Brian, and by the looks of Derek’s face you broke his fucking nose?” he smirks and raises an eyebrow. He seems impressed but it makes me nervous. “What’s your name princess?”  
“She wont give it.” Says Derek through the blood filled hand he is cupping over his mess of a nose.  
“I didn’t fucking ask you did I?” He says it calmly but it sends a chill down my spine. This man is not to be fucked with. He squats down to my level, and pushes my chin up with the end of the gore covered bat. I raise my eyes to meet his and give him a blank stare. I can smell his sweat and the leather of his jacket. “Don’t make me ask again”  
“Emma” I say, just barely louder than a whisper  
“Emma” he repeats quietly to himself, his eyes not leaving mine. “I’m Negan” he gives me a small smile that almost seems genuine “well Emma you’re a serious badass apparently. And you’re nice to look at, so I don’t really want to fucking kill you, but its not fucking okay to just kill my guys so we’ve got a slight problem here.” He pauses and stands up “We’ll put a pin in that and get back to it” He walks over to stand in front of Ken and the red haired kid. “Now back to what I was saying, you have some things of mine, and I want it back.”  
“We don’t have anything of yours, we don’t even know you” The red haired kid pleads, clearly he is terrified.  
“Now that’s not true is it douche bag?” Negan points his bat at Kens face, “You’re going to tell me where you hid that food you fucking thief, and maybe Ill kill you quickly.”  
“You stole that food?! You said you found it! What the fuck Ken!?” Red is in a panic now.  
“Shut the fuck up Scott!”  
“Enough!” Negan is getting bored and angry “Where is it? Or ill kill Red here, and then Emma if I have to, then you’ll tell me”  
My head shoots up, whoa what?! I’m being put in the same group with these tools?! Dumb and Dumber glace at me quickly, seeming slightly confused. Negan doesn’t miss it. “Wait a second, what did I miss here?” He walks back over to me, “Emma, when I mentioned killing you before you didn’t even fucking blink, now when I said it again you looked really god damned nervous, and these two look fucking confused.”  
“I uh, I’m not with them. I don’t know them. I just ended up in the gas station with them when the herd came through.”  
“Ah I knew something wasn’t adding up, These fuckheads can barely fight their way out of a paper bag but you clearly can handle your fucking self.” He spins around with a little pep in his step, “ New plan, Red, I’m going to beat you bloody unless Shit for brains tell me where my stuff is, Ready 1…2..”  
Ken looks seriously nervous and pissed. He still thinks that there is a way to talk his way out of this. He really is an idiot. “two miles south there is an old barn across from the lake. I put it in the cellar behind the barn.” He lowers his head, clearly hoping that they will just leave and go get their loot.  
“Now that wasn’t so hard was it?” Negan is smiling again “Lucille here is going to bash in your fucking skull in now, because I don’t tolerate thievery, or lying, and you did both.”  
It takes me a minute to realize he referred to his bloody bat as ‘Lucille’ but before I can give it much thought a loud crack has my full attention. Ken crumpled after the first hit to the head but Negan kept going. After five or so more swings there is just mush on the ground where Kens head used to be. I’ve stopped breathing. All I can do is stare at this horrific scene in front of me.  
“Alright now Red, lets go see about that barn shall we?” Negan waves to one of his guys, and they grab the terrified kid next to me and drag him to his feet and toward the trucks waiting in front of the gas station. Everyone starts moving to follow and it seems like they are just going to leave me. Am I really that lucky?  
“Oh my, I almost forgot,” Negan pauses and turns around smirking at me, “Ros grab the princess and put her in the pickup, She owes me for two men.” 

After we find the barn and Negan gets his supplies back he gave Red the option of coming back to their camp and working in exchange for shelter, food, and safety. He didn’t say that option two was him beating in Red’s skull but it was pretty clear. Red chose option 1.  
We are piled into the back of a pick up truck. I’m all the way in the front, right behind the driver with Red on my right. Two of Negans men sit across from us, guns out incase we try anything I guess. They already took my throwing knives from my belt, my backup knife in my boot and the one I keep on my hip. I sit back and try to figure out what the hell I'm going to do. Clearly Negan isn’t going to kill me or he would have already. But what does he want? Me to be one of his goonies? He did seem impressed that I could take on three of his guys alone. Hopefully it's nothing like being his maid or bedmate. Even in the world before this I wasn’t the neatest person. Not a slob but a little mess never bothered me. And as far as sharing a bed, he is handsome but I’m not someone to just spread ‘um for the first guy to smile at me.  
Negan sits in the passenger seat and I can hear his rough voice coming through the open window. I can't make out what he is saying but his voice is so deep and gravely that it vibrates right through me. His black hair is slicked back and Lucille is resting on the dash. He is a natural leader; charismatic and knows how to put the fear into people. He is beyond attractive, but I must be sick and twisted to think so after what he just did. As if sensing my gaze he turns and looks at me through the back window. When he eyes meet mine he smiles and winks. And there go the butterflies in my stomach. Yup, sick and twisted I am. I turn my head and stare at the woods that race past us. What a fucking day.


	3. The Sanctuary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduction to the sanctuary and some residents.

In about an hour we slow down, pulling off the main road and turning down a dirt trail. I look through the cab, out the windshield and see ‘the sanctuary’ as Negan called it. The woods suddenly clear and before us is a massive factory surrounded with razor wire topped chain-link fencing and armed guards at the gates and along the perimeter. The guards move quickly to open the gates as both trucks drive up. We pull through and drive along the fence toward a wing of the building that’s closest to the fence. They park the trucks in a line with a few other vehicles. Between the fence and the factory is a large yard area. People mill about talking or doing various jobs. I see a few kids running around laughing and it looks like they are playing tag. At the far end of the yard it looks like there is a garden and near a side entrance are a few long clothes lines where women are removing the days laundry. Everyone seems fine, not quite what I pictured, but I’m not sorry no one is in chains or being publicly beaten.

We climb out of the truck and the men start to grab various things they’ve gathered today and head towards a nearby door, not giving us a second thought. Negan is talking to an older woman who has made her way toward us. She has greying hair pulled back into a low pony tail and wrinkles by her eyes, the kind you get from spending too much time laughing. She looks clean and healthy, not like people you see out in the world- always filthy and usually a bit starved. Negan turns to us, “This is Sarah, listen too her. Don’t make me remind you what happens when you piss me off.” With that he turns to head inside.

“My knives.” I say before I realize the words are out of my mouth.

Negan stops and turns to me, a smile on his face and his eye brows raised.

“You took my knives and my bag and I would like them back.” I don’t say it with attitude but just as a statement. There isn’t much in my backpack; a small amount of food, two changes of clothes, my sunglasses and my sharpening rock, but I want it back.

“Yes I did” He says as he walks over to me, stopping inches in front of me so I’m forced to look up at him. He is very intimidating and being this close to him makes my breath hitch and my heart race. “And I’m going to keep them until I know you’re not going to go on a fuckin killing spree. Here at the sanctuary you have to prove yourself first, you don’t get to walk around with fucking knives and guns on your first day.” He walks to the front of the truck and reaches in through the open window to grab my bag. He looks inside and once he is happy that there is nothing dangerous he holds it out in front of him, making me walk to him to take it. When I grab it he turns to walk away. “Take a fucking shower, you’re fucking gross!” He shouts over his shoulder before slamming the door behind him. 

I look down, I’m covered in blood and dirt from the day’s events, and it’s been a while since I could wash up properly. Wait, did he just say shower? As in running water? I look quickly at the woman Negan left us with, Sarah, she smiles knowingly at me “Yes Dear, he said shower. We have hot running water here.” Oh thank god! “Come on I’m going to give you a tour and go over everything.”

After quick introductions, we head off on the tour. She points out the garden and small animal pen, which holds pigs, chickens and two goats, and tells us that everyone here has a job, everyone works or contributes in some way. You earn points for working which can be used to buy items in ‘the shop’ or days off. As Sarah talks I can’t help but think this place doesn’t seem so bad. Its not a bad system- everyone working, everyone helping, it’s really the only way to make it now a days.

There are 4 floors to the giant factory. The ground floor holds the shop, cafeteria and kitchen. “Dinner will be in about an hour, and breakfast is at 7, lunch at noon.” Also on the main floor are the armory and a main lounge area that has some couches, and tables with people playing cards or reading. Off to one side there are few toys and there are two kids playing there quietly. Across the room is a small bookshelf with maybe 20 books on it, I make a mental note to check the books out later, it’s been too long since I’ve had a good book to read.

We head upstairs- the next floor is mostly storage or unused space. The third floor is all living quarters, and Sarah tells us that the top floor is also living quarters but it’s mostly for Negan, his wives and his men. I turn quickly and look at Sarah as she is telling us this. Wives? “Yes Wives” Sarah says with a sad smile, “he has five right now, they live up on the top floor together. They are there by choice and he doesn’t mistreat them.” She adds after seeing my disturbed look; I assumed he forced them into polygamy. Moving on she comes to an empty room “This is where you’ll be Scott, the bathroom is three doors down on the left. Clean up and find me at dinner, I’ll have jobs for you both. You start working first thing tomorrow” We leave Scott and continue down the hall.

We head up to the top floor now and she stops in front of a room just across from the stairs “Here you are, the bathrooms are just there, let me know if you need anything dear.” And she turns to go.

“Wait I thought the top floor was for Negan and his wives and his men? I’m none of the above” 

Sarah chuckles “No you certainly aren’t. But Negan wanted you up here, and no I don’t know why.” She moves forward and places a gentle hand on my shoulder “Don’t worry yourself, this place really isn’t so bad, just follow the rules and you should be fine. We have food and shelter. Negan keeps us safe. You’ll see. Find me at dinner” and with that she turns and goes back down the stairs.

I open the door to what I guess is my room. Inside is a twin bed with a small table next to it. Sheets are folded on top of the thin mattress with a pillow next to them and all I can think is that it looks like a prison cell. Very bare, I’m going to need to fix that. On the other side of the room is a small window overlooking the yard and back gate we came in through, and there is a 4 drawer dresser to the left of the window that looks like it might be cherry. I make the bed and glace at my watch. I have time to fit a shower in and clean up. 

The bathroom is big, a wall splits it down the center. In the half on the left are bathroom stalls, sinks and mirrors and the right has 4 shower stalls with a row of lockers across from them. I get the impression that this is the only bathroom on the floor, meaning its Co-ed. I don’t care though because Sarah was right, hot running water! I can’t remember when the last time I had a shower was, unfortunately I don’t have any soap or shampoo but it doesn’t matter. I stand under the hot stream and let it wash away dirt and filth. I’ll have to find out if I can get toiletries in the shop that Sarah mentioned earlier. Once I finish I remember I don’t have a towel either so I’m forced to dry off with my clean shirt. I lace up my boots over my clean jeans and head back to my room in just my black sports bra. Luckily my room is just a few doors down from the bathroom and I’ve never been super shy about my body, not to mention the dead are walking around, so who cares.

After finding my last clean shirt, a navy blue razor back tank top, I try my best to untangle my long blonde hair. Without much success I put it back in its normal braid that falls between my shoulder blades and decide to head down to dinner. The trail mix and vitamin water wore off long ago and it’s not like I have anything to unpack.  
As I leave my room I notice a slim brunette opening the last door at the end of the hall and going inside. She is wearing a tight black dress and doesn’t seem like she belongs in this world. If I had to guess I’d say she's one of Negans wives.

Down in the cafeteria I find Sarah, and Red is already with her. She walks with us to get dinner, which is some sort of stew and homemade bread. Not great but I’ve had worse. Sarah asks if we have any skills and upon finding out that Red was a semester away from graduating culinary school she assigns him to the kitchen. Hopefully he can help make meals a bit better. Besides throwing knives, fighting and being generally disinterested in people, I don’t have any skills to speak of. Sarah assigns me to custodial duties and general labor. This should be great.


	4. Mess and clean up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little action \a little burn :)

Well it’s been two weeks of mopping floors, taking out trash, sweeping, feeding the animals and working in the garden. Every morning I wake up and report to Gabe, a heavy set older man. He’s very friendly and likes to chat, At first I found his chattiness annoying but its growing on me. He means well and tells super corny dad jokes. I mostly just answer any questions with one word and wait for him to give me my daily tasks. I don’t generally like people, I’m not outgoing and I don’t want to make friends. I want to either work off my crime and leave or find a way out. I work all day with breaks only for meals. It’s been made clear to everyone I am here to work as punishment. Because of that Negan has seen fit to make it so I cannot earn points. Luckily Sarah was willing to get me some basics; soap, shampoo, a razor, and she has paid for my laundry to be done twice. 

A few times since arriving I’ve seen Negan watching me and when I look at him he smiles and winks like he is so enjoying this. it makes me want to give him a swift punch in the nuts. Ros is like his shadow, always at his side. Mostly she just glares a me but when he isn’t around she is a real pain in my ass. Three days after arriving she walked by, knocking my lunch off the table unto the floor. Since you aren’t allowed seconds and I was on custodial duties I not only had to go hungry, I also had to clean it up. A few days after that she ‘accidently’ kicked over the bucket of kitchen scraps and slop I was bringing out to the pigs. I don’t give her any reaction. I have a good feeling I could take her in a fight but she is armed and I know she is looking for an excuse to punish me, or kill me. Besides the occasional body check in the hall or extra mess, she has been harmless.

Today has been especially miserable, it’s starting to get hotter out and it’s only the beginning of summer. I was in the garden all day pulling weeds and picking out rocks. I’m told they are expanding and lucky me, I get to help clear the land and till up the soil. I’m finally done for the day and I have a few minutes to clean up and still make it to dinner so I head up to my room. I seriously hate being on the top floor at times like this. I pass a few people headed down but I don’t really notice who they are. In the stairwell between the 3rd and 4th floors I hear the door above me open. When I look up its Ros. Great, just what I what to deal with right now. 

“Well if it isn’t our resident slave” She jeers, stepping in front of me effectively blocking my path “How’s the garden coming?” I don’t move, maybe if I let her get it out she will move on, no such luck.

“Actually, this stairwell looks pretty muddy, I think you need to go get a mop from three and get to work” I make to step around her, I’m exhausted and hungry and want nothing more than to give this bitch a nice knock in the face. I’ve never been a super patient or passive person. As I step past her she grabs my arm “Are you deaf as well as fucking dumb? Go down to the third floor, get a mop and clean these god damned stairs” 

Looking her dead in the eyes I reply as calmly as I can “You may follow Negan around like a lost puppy but you’re not in charge so get your fucking hands off me” and I shrug away from her grip 

“Oh fuck no..” she grabs my arm again harder spinning me around at the same time she takes a swing at me. I figured she would so I was ready, I duck and she swings over my head. I punch her in the kidney but she pulls back with her elbow faster than I was expecting so it catches me in the left eye. I stagger down two steps and grab her foot when she tries to kick me in the chest. I yank her forward effectively causing her to fall down the stairs but she knocks into me as she goes. We are only a few steps up from the bottom so I’m able to land in a crouch, ready for whatever she is going to do next. She gets up and is holding her left side, between the kidney shot and falling she seems to be in a bit of pain. Good. 

“You’re fucking dead” she says before coming at me, she hits me with her right fist, which hurts like a motherfucker, but instead of going for her face like most people expect I hit her in the throat. Not hard enough to kill her but enough to make her uncomfortable for a few days and gasp for her next breath, when she bends slightly holding her neck I pull her head down and slam it into my knee. I’m really hoping I broke her nose. When she drops to the floor I see the blood gushing from her nose. 

“Well Ros, since your down on the third floor, when you’re getting that mop to clean the muddy stairs make sure you get that puddle of blood too.” I taunt.

 

I finally decide I’m too damn tired to walk all the way down to the cafeteria for crappy food. I still need to shower and after laying on my bed for too long wishing things were different, I don’t have time. They stop serving dinner in 15 minutes and there are no exceptions. I grab my last power bar from my back pack and eat it while watching out the window. People are still hanging out in the yard, and I see a few trucks pulling through the gate. I’m Guessing its Negan. I’ve noticed that he and about 10-15 guys leave most mornings and return around dinner time. I’ve overheard people say they are going on supply runs, scouting the area, and killing the walkers to keep it safer around here. Usually Ros is with him, maybe that’s why she was so extra pissy today, his majesty left her behind. Everyone in the sanctuary seems to fear him or respect him because they fear him. With the exception of some of the men he takes on runs, everyone drops to their knees when he walks by or enters a room. I think it’s weird, I don’t do it, I go out of my way to avoid him entirely.

I’ve been standing here long enough thinking about Negan and having a pity party. I grab my soap, shampoo and my cleaner clothes and head to the bathroom. Luckily everyone is still down at dinner so I have the showers to myself. I put my clothes in a locker and take the towel and toiletries Sarah got me and go to the shower.

I run the water at a luke warm temperature, it was too hot and humid today to stand in a steamy shower. I can feel that my eye is starting to swell slightly from Ros’ punch. It wasn’t hard enough to swell it up, but it will probably be a nice shade of purple for the next few days. 

“You know, picking fights in stairwells is not advisable” Oh god, that voice. I forgot how deep it is and how it makes my stomach drop. What is the matter with me? I take a few moments to calm myself before I reply.

“I’ll be sure to let Ros know the next time I see her.” I hear a low chuckle. Hopefully he really thinks I’m funny or I could be in serious shit now. Hurting his right-hand gal, was probably not wise. It’s quiet now, I wonder if he left.

“Who taught you how to fight?” He sounds honestly intrigued and not like he is interrogating me.

“Different people” I reply vaguely

“Who taught you how to play baseball?” lets see if he’s up to a little verbal jousting. He throws me off a bit and I can’t decide if it’s because he is so intimidating and dangerous or if it’s because I’m so strangely attracted to him. Maybe it’s both. 

Another low chuckle comes from the other side of the curtain “I guess I’m just a natural” His words drip with sexuality.

“huh” 

I don’t say any more, I reach out of the shower and grab my towel off the hook next to the stall. After drying off and ringing out my long hair, I wrap the towel around me and open the curtain to step out. He looks slightly surprised, as if he didn’t expect me to just come out of the shower while he was there. I’m not someone who gets uncomfortable or intimidated normally. I don’t feel awkward or insecure because I really don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks, but for some reason I feel myself giving a damn about what Negan thinks of me. I watch his face for a positive reaction to my being dressed in only a towel. He stands leaning against the lockers with his arms folded. He’s just the right amount of sweaty and dirty from the day. He has lost his signature leather jacket and wears a white T shirt that seems to fit just right over his muscular arms and chest. His eye travel down my body slowly, taking in every detail, then back up to meet my gaze. His look is filled with heat. I’ve seen that look before, he wants me. I’m not going to lie, he is pure sex standing there like that. I almost make a comment about helping him shower but think better of it. I’m not going to screw a man who has 5 wives and who is currently making my life difficult. I’m not going to whore my way out of this. And I certainly don’t want him knowing I find him so attractive. That’s just inviting trouble so I try to keep my gaze neutral. 

“I suppose you’re here to punish or reprimand me for what happened with Ros?”

“Oh princess, I’d love to punish you” He runs his eyes over my body again then gives me a full smile that makes my stomach do that flip flop thing it seems to do when he is around. All I can do is narrow my eyes and hope he doesn’t notice my heart beating twice as fast. I’ll wait for him to get to his point.

“Now normally I don’t interfere with petty bullshit like this, but I had someone come to me and tell me they witnessed Ros starting a fight with you in the stairwell and that you won. I had to see for myself. They didn’t want you to get in trouble and wanted to make sure I knew what really happened.” He stops and waits for me to reply.

Who saw what happened? And why would they stick up for me? “Yes, she started a fight with me and I defended myself. That’s the end of it.” I’m not sure what he wants from me, an apology? 

He looks at me curiously, like he is trying to figure me out. “You’re smart, and strong.”

“Yeah? What makes you say that? You don’t know me, I’m just lucky.”

“You’re small, 5’1? 5’2 tops? And you know people will think you’re a fucking weak little girl, and you let them underestimate you, that makes you smart. When we found you, you were all by your god damn lonesome out there, and surviving alone is not fucking easy. You’re also strong enough to take on three of my guys and now Ros and you come away with barely a scratch. Lucky? Not fucking likely.”

He stands straight up and walks to stand in front of me, slowly reaching up and running his fingertips over my purpling eye. His voice is quiet, almost a whisper “I’ve seen Ros and she looks like she took a serious fucking beating, you not so much.” He drops his hand. “Something tells me I have you doing the wrong job…” I take a small step back, things are getting way too sexually charged and I am suddenly very aware that I am wearing just a towel. 

“If there is nothing else, I’m going to get dressed now.” I hold his gaze forcing myself not to back down. He takes a step to the side and motions for me to go ahead. I walk to the locker that has my clothes in it and start to dress. He gives me one last look and turns to leave. 

My body doesn’t start to calm down until I’m fully dressed and in my room. I can’t shake Negan from my mind until well into the night when I finally pass out from exhaustion. I’ve never met someone who affected me so much physically and mentally. I have got to stay away from him and get out of here.


	5. Work, friends and proposition

The next few days go by without incident. I don’t see Negan at all and I only see Ros once and she just gives me a nasty look before walking away. Hopefully she got the message that I’d like to be left alone. Negan stays on my mind almost permanently while I work. It’s the same boring, mindless, exhausting tasks that do nothing to distract me from replaying our encounter in the bathroom or creating dirty fantasies. I tell myself that if I run the scenarios in my mind then I’ll be less likely to act on them. Yes I am aware of how stupid that is.

Three days ago, I ended up working until well past dark helping Gabe put up new fencing for the animals so we have more room for the garden. He is redoing the whole outside layout since they have more mouths to feed, they are expanding. Yesterday Sarah pulled me out of yard work to help her and a few others move everything from one storage room to another, again they are rearranging everything trying to make the most of the space. Sarah talked most of the day, she tried engaging me in conversation but upon realizing I wasn’t very chatty she seemed fine to fill the silence herself. She is a kind woman, very motherly. I didn’t mind listening to her talk about her early days here, her life before all of this and some of the strangest conspiracy theories about what caused all of this. I found myself smiling a few times. Today I’m back outside in the sun, trying to move the few pigs they have from the old pen to the new one. It should be an easy job with four or five people but I’m guessing Negan made it clear I didn’t need help. So instead of just herding them to the new pen easily, I alone struggle with the fucking walking bacon. I manage to find some rope in the supply room and I am trying to walk the pigs as if on a leash. The first four went okay, and I was able to get them in their new pen without too much trouble. I have one left, the biggest hog they have and its being a real motherfucker about the whole process. It’s slipped the rope from its neck twice and keeps taking off running around the pen. I seem to be gathering a small crowd of spectators. I hear someone mention a bet and my blood starts to boil. This whole day, week, month is on my last nerve. I get the rope around the hogs neck again and tighten it, probably a bit too tight but I don’t care at this point. I just want to be done with this. I start to half walk half drag this stupid, miserable creature across its pen and it’s putting up a hell of a struggle. If I had more patience I’m sure I could coax it to do what I want but I’m beyond done. I give a hard tug on the rope and end up slipping in the muddy pig shit that coats the whole pen. I hear some laughs from the spectators as I stand up, absolutely covered in the foulest smelling slop. I’ve got it down both forearms, and from my waist to my boots. That’s it, that was the last bit of calm I had. I corner the hog and push it against the fence with my body. I manage to essentially ‘hog tie’ it so its feet are tied together and I flip it onto its fat side. I then use the excess rope to pull it by its feet across the pen. Its heavy as shit but it’s now longer fighting me so with my rage fueled strength, as I like to call it, I’m able to get it to the new pen and cut it loose. Even though I think it would be much more satisfying to put it on a spit and roast if for dinner. 

I close them in the pen and look down at myself. What a disaster. I have no shampoo left and I have no way to do laundry without earning points. I can’t keep letting Sarah pay for it, she works hard for her points and she shouldn’t have to spend them on me. I stand up straight and make the decision to confront Negan. If I wasn’t in such a foul mood or had such a long few days I might think better but I head straight for his room. 

When I get to the door I don’t stop or give myself time to reconsider. I smell myself, it’s horrible, I am tired and dirty and I am sick of it. I bang my fist against the door with smoke practically pouring out of my ears.

He is already bellowing as he opens the door “Who the fuck do you…” His face changes from angry to flirty when he sees its me. “oh hi Emma… Jesus fucking Christ you smell god awful” and now flirty has changed to disgusted. Good I’ll be able to focus more if he is repulsed by me, although I feel like I might be able to flirt my way into what I want better than giving him a piece of my mind but I don’t dwell on that. I’ve got to work with what I’ve got and what I’ve got is fury covered in pig shit.

“You need to let me earn points.” No sense in beating around the bush

“Uh huh, well I’d invite you in to discuss it but whatever the fuck is on you, I don’t want in here” He crosses his arms over his chest and leans on the door frame with a slight smirk.

“Exactly, I can’t take a fucking shower or wash my clothes because you won’t allow me to earn any god damned points. I’m done. I killed your guy yeah, but enough is enough. I’ve worked here without question for weeks now, I’ve done everything that’s been asked of me and taken extra shit from Ros but that ends now. Hell I’m probably saving you food anyway, the big guy I killed looked like he ate 3 times as much as he should.” His face has become an unreadable mask during my rant. He isn’t smiling but he doesn’t look angry either. I calm down just enough to stop shouting a him “I will stay and continue to work but you have to allow me to earn points, even if it’s just enough to buy soap and do my laundry.”

I wait for his response, he seems to be pondering something. “You know, you held out longer than I thought you would.” 

Now I’m seriously confused. “excuse me?”

He stands up straight and takes a step into his room “After our little shower session I spoke to Gabe, told him to start tracking your points. You’ve been earning them but I told him not to put them on your account until I gave the okay.” He smiles brightly at me

“I don’t get it, what do you want?” My blood pressure is starting to raise again, I’m so confused.

“I wanted to see how long it would take you to come ask me. All you had to do is ask princess.” So this has all been a big fucking joke to him. What a dick. 

“Is this a game to you? You think this is funny?!” 

He gives me a pleased smile and cocks his head to the side when he replies calmly “You’re standing at my door asking me for points so you can clean the animal shit off yourself, it’s a little funny but it also gives me the feeling of supreme authority” He smiles smugly, he could not be more proud of himself. Fuck this guy.

I turn and walk away, I literally cannot form words for what I want to express to this tool bag. When I’m half way down the hall, I hear him chuckle and say “Enjoy your shower Emma.” 

Its actually amazing , all of the items they have in the shop to buy with points. Everything from clothes and shoes, toiletries, and snacks. After looking into how many points I’ve managed to accumulate I get some of the basics I need for laundry, showering and I get two new shirts. I searched the whole shop twice but no chap stick. I’ll have to see if I can figure out who is in charge of supplying this place and mention it. As I’m walking out someone calls my name.

“Emma, right?” I turn and see a cute guy with light brown hair that looks like he never brushes is. He has a pleasant smile and is probably mid-twenties. 

“Yeah.”

“I’m Kevin, I’ve seen you around but you’re always working pretty hard, I never really saw an opportunity to introduce myself or say hi”

“Well… hi.” I smile and start walking toward the door that leads to the yard and he follows.

“How do you like it here so far?”

“Well, there is no shortage of work” I say

He laughs “No defiantly not, besides that, are you settling in? making friends at all?”

I can’t help but find his friendliness suspicious, It’s just my nature. I tell myself that he is being genuinely nice and to relax. We head to a picnic table a little way from anyone else and take a seat.

“I’m settled fine, I guess you could say I’m friends with Sarah. And Gabe seems to like me, he’s funny”

“Everyone is friends with Sarah, she’s a sweetheart, kind of like a mother to us all. I don’t know Gabe well but most people tolerate him, it’s interesting that you find him funny.” He cocks his head

“He’s harmless, a bit too chatty but he means well and he tells the kind of jokes that remind me of someone.” I pause, deciding whether to go into detail or not. “My uncle used to tell those embarrassing jokes that are meant to be for 8 year olds and he would laugh like it was the funniest thing he had ever heard.” 

“ha yeah that sounds like Gabe alright” he waits like he wants to say something but is thinking better about it. “I suppose it’s a safe bet to say you’re not very good friends with Ros?”

That’s not what I was expecting “Safe bet? Yeah you could say that” I’m not sure where he is going with this and I don’t want to put my foot in my mouth, especially if he is her ally. 

“Well, between us,” he leans over the table toward me “everyone here was pleased to hear you guys were not getting along, and even more pleased to see the evidence of that.” That brought an immediate smile to my face. It would seem Ros is not very popular around here, and our recent run in has earned me some favor with the locals, sweet. 

Behind Kevin I notice one of Negan’s wives, a taller brunette, wearing a short dark dress and sandals, walk across the yard and go inside.

“Can I ask you something, what’s the deal with Negan’s wives? I’ve seen them around, they don’t work, right? But they don’t really seem thrilled about their status either, well most of them. Why does he have them and why do they agree to it?”

“Um, I’m not really sure” Kevin looks nervous. He has more to say but doesn’t want to get in trouble.

“Go ahead, no one is around, and I’m not going to say anything.”

After a quick glace around he continues in a quiet voice “No, you’re right, they don’t work, they just get to hang out all day and do whatever basically. Most of them agreed to be his wife because they needed something. But they are there by choice, he doesn’t make them, they can say no. He is extremely opposed to sexual assault, no one is ever raped or forced to do anything. When this place first got up and running one of the guys tried to take advantage of a girl late one night and Negan found out, It was horrible. Negan put on a public torture and execution show. Since then there hasn’t even been a whisper of rape.”

“Wow that’s…” I’m not sure what to say to all this information. “…good to know”

“Did he ask you yet?” 

“Ask me what? I furrow my eyebrows at the question.

“To be a wife.”

I’m at a loss for words “Uh no he hasn’t asked. Wait do you think he will?!”

“Of course.” He replies in a tone that says I just asked a stupid question. I’m missing something. “Alright let me make it simple for you, Negan likes gorgeous women” pointing to me “Exhibit A. When he sees something he likes, he pursues it, he doesn’t force anyone, like I said, that’s not his style, but he can be persuasive. A few of his wives are there because they want to be, not all of them needed something from him.”

I let this sink in. “Has anyone ever turned him down?”

A big smile spreads across Kevin’s face “Not that I know of. Take it easy Emma, let me know if you need anything.” 

With that he stands and walks back toward the building and goes inside. As I watch him go I don’t feel quite as lonely as I’m used to, I feel strangely happy, it seems that I’ve made a friend. I’m so lost in my own thoughts I don’t even notice Negan walking up until he takes the seat right next to me straddling the bench. He is graceful for someone so big, he is at least six feet tall or taller. Lucille is resting across his legs.

“Making friends I see.” I don’t reply or acknowledge him. With a big grin on his face he says “You look much better than the last time I saw you.” It was only yesterday that I was standing in his doorway covered in pig shit and mud. 

“Well being able to shower and actually use soap and shampoo helps.” I put a sharp tone to my statement. I don’t want him to think I’m grateful to him or that I’m going to be friendly. 

“Did you find everything you need in the Shop?”

“Everything but chap stick.” I start to stand up so I can leave.

“What, you don’t want to stay and chat with me?”

“Not particularly, no.”

“Ouch” still smiling he puts his hands to his heart like he is wounded. I step away from the table and turn to leave. “Why don’t you stay a minute Emma darlin’” He doesn’t make it sound like a request.

I don’t sit back down but I turn and face him. I raise my eyebrows in asking ‘what?’.

“I’ve talked to a few people, Sarah and Gabe, a few of the others you’ve worked with, they all seem to think you’re a hard-fucking worker. You get your jobs done and you stay and help other finish theirs.”

“Is there a point you’re getting to? Wait, don’t tell me, I’m not allowed to help other people out, they have to do their fair share around here?”

He chuckles “No, but for someone who is here and working to earn her freedom, you seem to be doing more than just that. I suppose I’m just having a hard time figuring you the fuck out.”

“Let me make it simple for you, the second you say I can leave, I’m gone. There is nothing to figure out.”

He stands, placing Lucille on the table top and walks to me, again stepping into my personal space and lowering his voice to that level that makes heat pool low, between my legs. “Do you like your work, or could I interest you in something else?”

I lick my lips and take a shallow breath, he’s unnerving me. “What kind of something else?”

He watches my mouth and smiles, “Its actually not work really, more like play. You can have a place here, food, shelter, the works, without having to fucking deal with the garbage or animals or whatever else you’ve been doing.”

Oh I know where this is going. Kevin literally just told me Negan would ask me for this and now its happening. Nice call Kev. The sexual fog clears from my mind. He thinks he can smile and flirt his way into my pants, oh I can play this game.

“So what would I have to do instead?” I lean into him a little and gently grab onto the clasp of his belt. His eyes drift down and his smile grows. He clearly thinks he has me hooked.

“Princess, all you have to do is keep me, and me alone, happy.” He reaches his leather glove covered hand up to my neck and cups my face while leaning closer to kiss me…

I stop an inch from his mouth, “I’m no ones princess, I’m a fucking queen, and I’d rather fuck a walker than submit to you.” He freezes, I step back and walk away, leaving Negan stunned.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Late night talks by candle light :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has left kudos and comments! I'm so glad you're all enjoying it. I have a really good idea of where I'm headed with this story so stay tuned!!
> 
> For anyone interested- here is the link of the song I reference this chapter. This was the version In my mind when I was writing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9xdxE0tDyFk

Over the next couple of days, I spend more time talking with Sarah and Kevin. Kevin introduces me around to a few of his friends. They are all nice enough, but mostly I just spend time around them, listening and watching, enjoying not being alone anymore. I’m making friends and I have a routine. I’m getting comfortable here. I eat meals with people who are pleasant and ask questions about me and my life. They laugh and make jokes and make it easy to forget the world is so awful.

 

I work with Gabe or Sarah, both are sweet and kind and seem to care about me. Being with people is starting to grow on me. Sarah and I start to talk more about daily life here and how things might be improved. I have quite a few ideas and Sarah agrees with them. When I asked her why nothing has been done about it yet she goes quiet.

 

“I’ve mentioned it to Negan but he says his concern is keeping everyone safe and fed, not books and games or other fluff.”

 

“I see.” I wish I didn’t just burn my bridge with him, I might have been able to make this place better. I _want_ to make this place better.

 

We want to start simple classes for the kids, if not schooling then maybe some arts and crafts. We want to get better books or at least more books, maybe some board games and a swing set. Allow people to decorate their rooms and get pictures or something for the walls in the living areas so it’s not so depressing. This is our home now, we want it to be nice.

 

 After discussing items for the kids Sarah mentions that they have an orphan boy, maybe one year old. His father came here with him a few months back but has died since then, he was bitten on a run. Sarah tells me that a few of the women have been rotating time with the boy, Daniel or Danny. That poor child, as if being born into this horrible world isn’t bad enough, his whole family is dead. It breaks my heart. I told Sarah that tomorrow night I would take a shift with him.

 

The next day on my way to breakfast, I am lost in thought about the jobs I have to do today. I round the corner and bump right into a rock hard, leather covered chest. “Oh I’m Sor..” The words freeze in my throat as my brain finally processes who I’m standing only inches from. His scent is intoxicating and my heart starts to race. Even though I told him off and told myself to stay away, that he is trouble, I cannot deny the way my body reacts to him. It wants him.

 

He keeps his face hard and cold as he glares a me, obviously still feeling the sting from my rejection. “Watch where the fuck you’re going” he snaps before moving past me and down the hall.

 

I can’t get that icy look Negan gave me out of my head. All day it practically haunts me. I’m so distracted, Gabe must repeat himself numerous times. Over lunch Kevin and his friend Shawn both notice I’m not myself. I assure them I’m fine and they drop it but I know they don’t believe me. It’s only fair though, I was a bitch to him and probably bruised his ego in a major way, so I can’t expect for him to be very friendly but still, I can’t help but want him to be friendly. What is wrong with me?!

 

After work I shower and head down to the first floor. Sarah has Danny in a small nursery off the medical station near the kitchen. They keep him down here so he doesn’t wake the others in the night if he is crying, and so he is close to the kitchen if he needs a bottle. In the nursery, they have an old cot off to the side with a warm looking grey blanket, and an old computer chair that looks like a light breeze might reduce it to pieces. Danny has a pack and play, portable play pen for a crib, and a small table that has been turned into a changing station with a lamp on it.  Everything is simple and it’s just the basics here.

 

A very young girl named Aubrey is waiting for me. She goes over everything with me; eating schedule, sleeping habits, likes and dislikes. She lets me know someone will be here at 7am to relieve me.

 

Danny is already asleep but I go and stand by his crib. He looks so peaceful and innocent. I lose myself for a few moments imagining a world that isn’t overrun with zombies or evil people. A happy world where this beautiful baby boy can grow up and learn and become an amazing young man. Then my mood shifts and I feel deep sorrow. He is alone, and he must try to live in this dangerous time without a family.

 

After I finish my depressing thoughts I make my way over to the cot. I lay down and cover up with the blanket. I don’t get much sleep, I’m restless and what little sleep I manage to get is clouded with odd dreams involving dark eyes, hateful looks and leather. Danny sleeps most of the night, waking once around 4 am but with a bottle he goes back to sleep until 6. I play on the floor with him until 7am when Nancy, another young girl, comes to take my place.

 

Luckily Sarah gives me a light day since I didn’t get too much sleep. After dinner, I’m finishing mopping the dining area and the kitchen workers are doing the dishes and cleaning the tables when we hear yelling coming down the hall. Everyone stops and turns toward the entrance as Negan storms in, “Sarah, get Seth to my fucking room now to clean up a fucking disaster!” He has Lucille in his hand and she is covered in fresh blood. He turns and leaves as abruptly as he came. Sarah looks to me with an apology on her face.

“Emma I’m sorry, Seth is down with the stomach flu, and I have to finish this inventory tonight. Would you mind going and helping and when I’m finished I will come replace you?”

 

“Yeah sure.” I make my voice sound bored even though I’d rather not go anywhere near Negan.

 

I head upstairs to the fourth floor. It’s shaped like an L with Negan’s room at one end, his wives room is on the corner and my room is at the opposite end. The door is open and there are a few guys milling about. Everyone is talking in hushed tones but they stop as soon as they notice me.

 

“Move along” One of the guys says to me, I think his name is Mitch.

 

“Um Negan said to come and clean up a mess?” The men look at each other silently debating. Finally, they move aside and let me step into Negan’s room. I don’t get to take in the room fully because my attention is instantly drawn to the blood spatters on the walls and pool of blood soaking into the light grey area rug on the floor. There is a table that has been overturned and papers and books are everywhere. I step on broken glass and it crunches under my boots. There has been one hell of a fight here. I go to the cleaning closet a few doors down and grab practically everything in there, a mop and bucket, broom, and rags. I head back and get to work, Negan was right, this is a fucking disaster.

 

About an hour or so later I’ve cleaned up the glass, had one of the guys help me flip the table back over and picked up all the scattered papers and books. I don’t think there is any way to get the blood out of the carpet. There is just too much. It has stained a spot about 3 feet across. As I’m cleaning I start to scan the room and take in the details. He has a large desk across from the door facing it. It looks antique and very expensive. Behind it are two large windows with dark red curtains. Adjacent to the desk is a dark grey couch and it looks like the over turned table went near the door. Next to the couch is a large book shelf that has every inch filled with books. Across from the couch are two wooden French doors that are closed. The walls have pieces of art on them that are subtle but make the room welcoming.

 

This is definitely not the style I saw Negan choosing to decorate in. Maybe his wives chose the décor? I move on to one of the walls that has blood spatter on it and start wiping it down. No one has said what happened here, and I don’t ask. This is clearly none of my business and I’m not sure if I want to know. I’m only just starting on the walls when I hear that thunderous voice coming in the open doorway. He is still in a state of fury and the sound of it makes me nervous, and a little thrilled. I continue to work when he stomps in the room and looks around at my progress. Honestly, I think I’ve done a hell of a job in the short amount of time I’ve had and how messy it was.

 

“What the fuck is she doing here?!” Negan points at me with Lucille and shouts to Mitch. I freeze and turn my whole body to face him.

 

Mitch comes in the room and looks at me then back to Negan. “She said she was here to clean, that you sent her.” Mitch’s voice gives away that he is scared. Lucille is bloody so maybe he has good reason.

 

“I fucking told Sarah that Seth was supposed to fucking do it.” Negan turns his murderous glare on me, “What are you fucking doing here?!”

 

“Seth is ill, I came instead.” I stand there not knowing if I should continue or apologize or leave.

 

Negan looks around the room, seeing what I’ve been doing. He looks back at me but I keep my face expressionless. He studies me a moment too long before deciding what to do.

 

“Get the fuck out now.” He doesn’t shout but his voice leaves no room for debate. I put down the rag and bucket I have and head for the exit not daring to look back. I close the door behind me and when I do, Negan’s voice rips through the tense silence. I hurry down the hall not wanting to be the target of any wrath he wishes to hand out.

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t see Negan over the next two days. No one mentions what happened in his office. I expected that there would be at least some gossip about it, maybe some explanation or a theory or two but there is nothing. It’s as if no one else knows anything occurred at all. Nancy, one of the younger girls who usually helps with Danny, has come down with the same stomach bug that Seth had, so Sarah asks me if I will fill in overnight in the nursery. I don’t mind doing it, he is such a sweet boy and it gives me hope to be around him.

 

At 2am I slightly regret my decision. Poor Danny boy has caught the stomach bug that seems to be making its way through the Sanctuary. He has thrown up four times and has been miserable all night but is finally starting to calm down and succumb to his exhaustion. I turned the lights off and have two candles burning for a soft glow and relaxed atmosphere. I’m sitting in the computer chair, rocking gently back and forth, and I have him wrapped in a thin blanket to make him feel snuggled but not too hot. I start softly singing the first song I can think of,

 

_I'll be home for Christmas_

_You can count on me_

_Please have snow and mistletoe_

_And presents under the tree_

_Christmas eve will find me_

_Where the love light gleams_

_I'll be home for Christmas_

_If only in my dreams_

_I'll be home,_ _I'll be home If only in my dreams_

_I'll be home, I'll be home If only in my dreams_

I feel someone’s presence in the doorway and glace up. Negan is standing there silently, expression unreadable, he leans against the door frame with Lucille hanging loosely in his hand. Since he doesn’t say or do anything I continue…

_I'm dreaming tonight of a place I love_

_Even more than I usually do_

_And although I know it's a long road back_

_I promise you_

_I'll be home for Christmas_

_You can count on me_

_Please have snow and mistletoe_

_And presents under the tree_

_Christmas eve will find me_

_Where the love light gleams_

_I'll be home for Christmas_

_If only in my dreams_

                                                                           

When I finish the song, Danny is asleep in my arms. Negan stays silent and watches me stand and bring the small child to his bed and tuck him in. When I turn, Negan is looking at me and he seems tired. Not sleepy but just worn down. I am so torn between wanting to close the door in his face and inviting him to stay. As badly as he hurt me the other day when he dismissed me, I suppose it makes us even after how I told him off in the yard. I think we should start over.

 

 I nod toward the cot on the other side of the room, silently asking if he’d like to sit. He slowly walks over and sits down, quietly resting a now clean Lucille against the wall. I sit down next to him but leave a little space. We aren’t touching but if he wants to talk we can whisper and still be heard. We let the silence stretch between us. It’s not unpleasant or awkward, its peaceful.

 

I don’t know what it is about him that attracts me like a magnet. It’s not just physically, although my body defiantly wants him to run his hands all over it. I’ve spent way too long daydreaming about his rough voice in my ear, his coarse facial hair rubbing along my neck or the inside of my thighs, and I always wonder what would have happened if I didn’t back away from him when he was cupping my face and leaning in to kiss me. Pushing my sexual needs aside, there is more than just lust there. He is a natural leader, smart and strong. He is charismatic and powerful. I want to get to know him more.

 

Negan finally breaks the silence with a whisper. “Why are you singing Christmas songs?”

 

I smile, knowing he was going to bring that up. “Danny boy isn’t feeling well and it’s the first song I could think of, it’s for Half Christmas.”

 

“What in holy hell is ‘half Christmas’?” He looks so confused.

 

I turn to look at him, “Half Christmas is June 25th, some people call it Leon Day. Leon is Noel backwards, its exactly half way to Christmas from the previous one. Before all of this, my friends and I used to always celebrate it. We’d throw a big Half Christmas party where everyone wore ugly sweaters and we played Christmas carols and did everything Christmas-y.” Thinking about it fills my heart with aching. Those were such happy times and I miss them.

 

Negan gives me a half smile, “Why?” He clearly isn’t used to fun. I suppose being the leader of a zombie apocalyptic group doesn’t leave much room for it.

 

“Because it’s fun. I love holidays, it was just one more to celebrate.” I say simply. “I don’t know the date now but I assume It’s around this general time.”  “I miss it” I add to myself.

 

He is quiet for a minute while I’m lost in thought and then whispers to himself “Half Christmas… alright then”. He doesn’t say anything else about it and relaxes against the wall behind him.

 

This is my chance to try and talk to him about the changes Sarah and I want to bring about here. He is relaxed so I hope for the best, “I was wondering if I could run some ideas past you that Sarah and I have been talking about, for the Sanctuary?”

 

He ignores my question, “You didn’t tell anyone what you saw in my room the other day.” He doesn’t ask me, but says it as a statement.

 

“No.” Why would I tell anyone about a bloody mess and being yelled at like a small child I think. He nods. “Are you okay?” I ask him, hoping to keep the conversation going. He isn’t yelling at me and I’m not furious. I don’t want to burst this bubble we are in.

 

He looks at me confused, “huh?”

 

“Your room, it looked like the scene of a murder. I was wondering if you were okay.”

 

He smiles brightly at me, “Oh Emma darlin’, are you worried about my wellbeing? That’s so sweet”

 

I roll my eyes at his playfulness, “I couldn’t care less about what happens to you, I’m just being polite and sociable.”

 

“HA!” He lets out a laugh, “You are many things darlin’ but polite and sociable, you are not.”

 

“Shhh!” I shush him, not wanting Danny to wake up. “Fine, you’re right, I’m not polite or sociable.”

 

He leans back with a smug smile on his face, pleased that I admitted he was right. He pauses a moment and watches me. “Two men who have been in the fucking camp a few weeks came to my room last night and tried to kill me.” I don’t move or blink, fearing he will stop talking. “They obviously failed.” Gesturing to his living, breathing self. “Luckily I had Lucille close by” He reaches out and pats his barbed wire wrapped bat. “There was a scuffle but I shut that shit down.” His tone grows more somber. “You did a good job cleaning up.”

 

“I could have done better if you let me finish.” I don’t turn to face him but I give him a sideways glace.

 

“I’m sure, but I didn’t want you there.” His tone has an edge of finality to it. I guess that’s all he is going to say about it. It leaves me feeling dismissed and unwanted and cuts me more than I expect but I don’t want to let it show. I’m not sure what else to say and I don’t know how to tell Negan to leave. I’m done with this conversation.

 

 “What are you doing down here at this hour?” I ask with a little too much attitude in my voice.

 

“I just got back from a run and came to grab something to eat in the kitchen. I heard singing and I came to see who it was.” He looks at me, waiting for my eyes to meet his, “It was like the call of a fucking siren.”

 

I blush and look away, unsure of how to respond. I’m not good with praise or attention. When I look back he is still staring at me, watching my every move. I’m frozen, unable to look away. He just cut me down and now he is looking at me like a man dying of thirst and I’m a tall glass of water. His eyes glance at my mouth and I know what’s coming. My head is screaming ‘ _No! Don’t! He has wives! He is a misogynist! He will use you!’_ But the rest of me is blocking it out. I want this, I’ve fantasized about this.

 

Negan leans over slowly and brushes his lips gently on mine. He is testing me, seeing if ill push him away or kiss him back. When I don’t pull away he presses his lips harder on mine. His hands move up and cup my face pulling me to him and trapping me. Not like I have any plans to leave now, this is what I’ve wanted for weeks. I grab onto the front of his jacket as his tongue meets mine. My whole body is on fire with need and when I bite Negan’s bottom lip he groans.

 

Just then I hear a small whimper from the crib. We both stop and listen. Sure enough Danny starts crying. I look into Negan’s eyes and they burn into me with desire. I move back and stand up to go get Danny, not wanting him to get too worked up, hopefully if I can settle him down quickly he will go right back to sleep. Negan runs his hands over his face and sighs. He grabs Lucille and stands up. He walks to me and gently tucks some loose hair behind my ear, “Come to my room when you’re done here and I’ll hear what you and Sarah have in mind.” With that he leaves and I’m standing there rocking an exhausted baby, my mind is reeling and my body is aching for more. What the fuck just happened!?


End file.
